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We don’t get along with our surrogate, what should we do?

We don’t get along with our surrogate, what should we do?

  1. <span  class="bbp-author-name">Tommy</span>

    Hi there,
    We’re a gay couple and we’re pregnant via surrogate. We’ve established very accurately the terms of the contract before the embryon was transferred but surrogate is now being kinda troublesome. She’s pregnant with twins (she said there was no problem with that when signing the contract, and we know she was paid a bonus pay for that) but now she’s having many issues with the twin pregnancy and has suggested selective abortion. We don’t want that to happen because our plan was to have two babies (each embryon was conceived using my sperm and my husband’s).
    We’re so sad that this is happening to us but what can we do?
    Our agency is trying to help us and we’re trying to reach an agreement again (she has to do as agreed upon) but on the other side of the coin we feel selfish… If she’s not feeling well, we understand that we cannot cause her to suffer, so what are the limits?
    We know she’s not doing anything stupid, but this doesn’t feel so fulfilling anymore. And we wanted to build a close relationship with her… but sadly we’re afraid that’s not gonna happen.
    Any advice would be most welcome!
    Thank you very much

    04/19/2018 at 06:59
  2. Dear Tommy,

    First and foremost, it’s important that you stay calm and immediately contact your counselor and/or program coordinator to discuss this behavior. Keep in mind that pregnancy causes emotional behavior in women, including surrogate pregnancies.

    Technically, you’re also “pregnant” so the terms agreed as regards the pregnancy apply to both parties. If she’s experienced too many negative symptoms during her twin pregnancy, it’s only normal that she feels tired. Her feelings and natural, and I’m sure that you’ll reach an agreement with the help of your counselor, agency coordinators, etc. Don’t forget that, all in all, there’s goodwill on both sides.

    Recommended for you: Surrogacy FAQs – 12 Common Questions for Intended Parents.

    I hope I have been able to help,

    Kind regards

    04/20/2018 at 07:16
  3. How did this go for you in the end Tommy? As a guy also I am considering surrogacy whereby my sperm would be implanted into an egg and then the surrogate mother. I at first liked the idea of twins but have heard complications can rise a lot taking this path. Having considered such I’m not sure it’s something I could now consider if there is a serious chance of the babies suffering potentially problems for life as a result of taking this route.

    There is also the aspect of coping with two babies at once which might become a handful or maybe on the other hand convenient to have it done all at the same time. I would kind of like two children so I’m presently thinking of one child then upon birth setting the wheels in motion for a second as it were. While I’m not too concerned about keeping the surrogacy thing a secret I kind of feel put off a little by having two children at once using two surrogate mother’s as the birth dates would likely be near each other but unlikely to be on the same date. Hence for the children I would find this too much of a obvious area of awkwardness for the child and myself in it likely coming up all the time as a query/explaining situation. Theoretically I guess I could have children naturally with two separate women at a similar time but again this would likely draw unwanted attention. So while I see surrogacy as becoming a little more mainstream over time it’s still something I wouldn’t want attention drawn to on a regular basis if you know what I mean. I guess it’s something I would rather any children have the opportunity to pass over talking off if they so wished also.

    Anyway, if yourself or any other forum member can contribute to discussion of this area I would appreciate it. I kind of liked the idea of having a boy & girl twin but it’s looking like it’s not worth risking it for their sake. Some of the clinics I have looked up even much dissuade to pretty much rule out doing the twin route as the risks are seen as too high.

    01/30/2020 at 06:16
    • Hi Phil,

      as you’ve already mentioned, there are indeed risks in twin pregnancies involved. For this reason, most fertility specialists do not recommend to transfer more than one embryo, as the chances of multiple pregnancies and their subsequent consequences increase.

      I recommend you read the following article about twin pregnancies in surrogacy: What are the risks of twin pregnancies in surrogacy?

      Wish you all the best

      01/30/2020 at 14:09